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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It annoys my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-defeating. You know it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This approach will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.